Born to be calm, forced to be anxious instead.
My trust issues have sunk deep into my skin and is flowing through my veins, I am born to be calm and not worry about anything, I thought there wouldn’t be a need to overthink but no, I am forced to be anxious. Forced to worry about everything around me, forced to ruminate, forced to overthink, all because I am not able to trust people.
I can’t be the type of person who says, ‘let the universe decide whats best' anymore. I quite frequently say that we should just go with the flow but it is not reliable anymore. ‘what if this’ ‘what if that’ that’s all I can think about. It’s like when you find out something horrible about a person and all you want to say is, ‘WHY?’ or when someone is changing their character or when someone is not being there for you anymore, all you want to scream is, ‘WHY WEREN’T YOU THERE?’ why did they turn away? The people who once decided to enter my path are now just casting shadows, and I’m left here thinking where I went wrong and I’m ruminating with the echoes of their absence.
The worst part is scenarios like this happen in just a blink of an eye, the worst moments strike when I least expect them and it happens behind your back and you never get to know about it and trust me it is way worse when you find out about it by yourself without anyone saying anything to you. Discovering all these on my own without anyone warning me feels way worse than cuts deeper than any knife. It is like someone is just plotting all this ridiculous shit here and there thinking it would not make a difference and it makes me believe that I cannot trust anything around me.
Born to have a smooth life, forced to have speed bumps. The reality is a road marked with obstacles and each bump is a reminder of the scars left by betrayal and disappointment.
-subhasini<333
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